Breakdown of Turkey Day in Connecticut.
06:30am: Awaken and let three whining dogs out.
07:00am: Eat stale mini wheats and nurse old fat back in hot tub.
07:30am: Awaken Numbers 1, 2, and 3. Take them to DD for crap breakfast.
08:00am: Drive Numbers 1, 2, and 3 to Brooklyn to see my folks.
09:00am: Exchange emails with Joe in Florida about high freaks in Europe. WTF.
09:30am: Enjoy quality time talking with my dad while Number 1 and 3 shriek and fight on the living room floor. Number 2 quietly socially networks on his iPhone.
10:00am: Number 2 calls Number 1 immature. Number 1 insults Number 2’s girlfriend.
10:30am: Embark from Brooklyn to Fairfield Connecticut, to see other grandparents. Fairfield is the home of Wasps, Mimosas, and Judgement.
12:00noon: Walk through in-laws front door. Comment on how great the food smells, and ask if I can help with anything.
12:05pm: In-laws show me the lawnmower, the rakes, the black tarp on which to place 8,000 cubic tons of leaves, and the area out front to which I must drag the tarp.
12:30pm: Walk inside and ask boys to come out and help. Number 1 is happy to help. Number 2 is Meh. Number 2 nonchalantly pokes leaves with rake in one hand while texting his gal. Number 1 again insults Number 2’s girlfriend.
01:20pm: Father-in-law comes outside and asks when will we be done, because he wants to drink the wine we brought, but Nancy said he had to wait for us.
01:30pm: Father-in-law tells us for the 186th time how his cousins called him Donnie when he was young, and he wanted to be called Don. Pours second glass of Farniente Chardonnay.
02:00pm: Play hoops with Number 1. Number 1 is 6’2” and 210lbs. He hacks like Sir Charles and I hit pavement groaning in fetal position.
02:15pm: Walk by some wasps house and my bride asks me why I can’t dress distinguished like the handsome wasp in the khakis, button down, and blue blazer who is my age and walking outside with his young kids.
02:16pm: I ask my wife why her butt is so fat that she misses calls on her iPhone because she can’t feel it vibrate in her back pocket.
02:20pm: I lie down while Number 1 gets me ice.
02:30pm: A glass of wine warms my bones. Father-in-law tells us for the 187th time how his cousins called him Donnie when he was young, and he wanted to be called Don. Pours fourth glass of Farniente Chardonnay.
03:00pm: Watch some football! Catch a twenty minute nap that feels like heaven.
03:30pm: Father-in-law waked me from said nap, asking me if I want to look at his financial statements. Pours fifth glass of chardonnay and starts again about freaking Don versus Donnie.
04:00pm: Eat an incredible meal. I admit I am less about the turkey and much more about the beans, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, apple sauce, and stuffing.
04:30pm: Drink coffee and embark on my drive back from Fairfield to Chatham NJ in the rain, with Number 1, Number 2, and two of my dogs in tow.
07:00pm: Write this note while it is fresh in my mind and prepare for the Jets. Wahoo!